What To Do When My Partner Triggers My Trauma

What do you do when your partner triggers your trauma? It’s common to feel scared and disoriented when this happens, but it’s also possible to work through it together with the right approach. This guide will share what you need to know about trauma triggers, how they affect relationships, and what you can do to help yourself or your partner cope with them.

Trauma Triggers in Relationships are Incredibly Common

Unfortunately, many people struggle with trauma triggers in their relationships. Even if a person doesn’t suffer from PTSD or any other kind of anxiety disorder, it’s not unusual for everyday stressors to set off traumatic memories or traumatic responses within the nervous system. We all have past experiences which impact our relationships with others. It is very common to notice that it is difficult to manage trauma responses when they happen. For many people, it is hard to catch them before they react in a way that impacts their relationship with a partner. For some people this ends in a fight, one partner shutting down, or getting too upset to talk through the situation. In hindsight it might lead to guilt, shame, or questioning what went wrong. It makes the situation even more complex that your partner likely also has trauma responses that are activated when you are feeling triggered. The good news is, you are trying to find solutions. This guide will help you with tips and techniques to work through situations without increasing conflict.

Safety First

If you feel you are unsafe in your relationship and may be harmed, or you have been harmed previously in this relationship. It is important to seek help and support right away. If your current partner is abusive, I would recommend getting the help and support of a professional counselor or calling a domestic violence helpline. Here is the National Domestic Violence Hotline with 24/7 phone support to provide you with support and resources. 1-800-799-7233. If your partner is not responsive or has been aggressive in the past, it is important for you to develop a safety plan for yourself and your children.

Take Time to Regulate

When something happens that causes a trauma response, it is important to increase safety and security in your body by taking a step away from the situation until you are in a grounded state. Knowing when to take a break is also an important part of healthy conflict resolution. Your partner may need some cues from you that you are having a hard time. Use an I statement to tell them what you’re feeling. Something like I feel really frustrated when we fight about money—I know we both want us to be on the same page about our finances, but I struggle with my own issues around it. Can we take a break for now? This can prevent things from escalating. Many couples have great success with setting boundaries about how they want to talk about situations beforehand. Both partners need to be in a calm space in order to have a productive discussion. If not, it is likely that the conflict, will increase, and the tension within the relationship will boil over at some point.

Identify How You React

Learning to recognize how your body reacts to situations is important, especially in relationships with your partner. As with any other negative emotion, it’s crucial to identify how we feel in order to best manage and cope with it. If I can make a conscious effort to identify that I’m feeling triggered or upset by certain things my partner does or says, then I can do something about it.

When it comes to trauma responses pay attention to these things:

1. Your thoughts

2. What feelings you are experiencing?

3. What sensations do you feel in your body?

4. What actions lead up to being triggered?

When you can identify your patterns you can work toward acting in new ways. Think about what you need from your partner in the future to prevent future trauma responses and to help you feel safe and secure in the relationship.

Communicate Your Needs

Communication is fundamental to every relationship, but for a survivor of trauma, it can be especially hard. Partners are not mind readers: If you are triggered by something they do or say, they need to know this information in order to be responsive to your needs in the future. An important step in healing from trauma is learning how to communicate your needs effectively. Find a time that is calm and you both are available to talk. Have some essential ground rules ready at hand: The goal is to talk in terms of your experience without blaming your partner, use I statements to tell your partner how you felt and what you need in the future. See if you can come to an agreement on how you can que them in that you are having a hard time and starting to feel triggered so you can work through it together. It is important for healthy communication that your partner also have a space to share how the situation impacted them if they choose to talk about it. Both of your feelings a valid, you are a team working together on this, and it is important that both members of the teams' feelings be heard and valued.

Get Support

Trauma recovery can be difficult and confusing. Getting the support of a counselor is an important part of the process. If you have past trauma that is impacting your relationships and it is difficult to manage things alone, starting counseling is a great option to help you work through things and recover. It is important to have caring relationships outside of your partner to talk about things and process what is going on. Having positive support and an unbiased opinion can help you reach your goals.