Can People Pleasing Be a Trauma Response?
What Is People Pleasing?
People-pleasing refers to a pattern of behavior where a person foregoes their needs, wants, or desires to please others. We are all social creatures. As social creatures: we need relationships with others to live in society. From an early age, we are taught rules for living and getting along with people. Some forms of people-pleasing are healthy. It helps up get along with people at work and other social situations.
People Pleasing Can Be Toxic
People-pleasing can be toxic if there are no healthy boundaries to help individuals remain in control of their lives. People need to have a sense of control over the relationships in their life. They need to say no, consider their feelings, and set boundaries that help them feel safe and secure. Many people-pleasers fear that they will be rejected, or people won’t like them if they set a boundary. This can set a person up for allowing patterns and relationships in their life that lead to traumatic situations. It can also be a sign that trauma has already occurred.
Ineffective Learned Beliefs of People-Pleasers:
To not be selfish.
To share our toys.
Keep the peace
To be the bigger person.
To feel responsible for somebody else’s pain.
To respect authority without question
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all
People Pleasing As a Trauma Response
People-pleasing can be a trauma response to avoid abandonment or disappointment. It becomes toxic when it is a repeated pattern of agreeing with others without being able to consider the interest of yourself or someone you love. The survival response is to gain approval from others and be seen positively. It is also a way of presenting oneself as put together and compliant to avoid discomfort, embarrassment, or conflict in relationships.
Another term for people-pleasing is fawning. Fawning often develops after a trauma, or series of traumas, that occurred in social relationships (abuse, neglect, bullying, abandonment). The thought process is: If people like you, they are less likely to leave you or harm you. It can also be based on the need for approval to feel worthy and valuable to others. The difficulty with basing your worth on what other people think is that different people think different things. As a result, how they feel about themselves changes. This causes a lot of anxiety and stress. Often this leads to a loss of sense of self and repeating this cycle in relationships.
Trauma Treatment Can Help
If this sounds like you or someone, you love. Trauma treatment is a great option. Trauma treatment for people-pleasing teaches you how to set boundaries, gain self-worth, and disconnect from the opinion of others so you can live the life you want on your terms. There are many benefits of trauma treatment for people-pleasers. Treatment can help you learn how to communicate your needs to others in a healthy way. People often experience more authentic and fulfilling relationships and an increase in self-trust over time. Self-love and self-compassion are two essential skills. Another aspect of treatment is recognizing the red flags of toxic relationships and creating a plan to manage difficult situations so that unhealthy cycles are not repeated. Recognizing the red flags of toxic relationships and creating
As with any form of treatment, sometimes it isn’t easy. Trying new things and creating new habits takes time. Results don’t happen overnight. It often takes time to recognize and replace patterns that are not serving us. I am here to support and guide you along the way!
