In relationships power struggles can be a challenge. Whenever you have two people in a relationship power struggles are bound to happen. Whether they are subtle or out in the open, these struggles often arise from differences in values, communication styles, or individual needs. Recognizing and working through these power dynamics is crucial for building a healthy relationship.

One frequent source of power struggle in relationship is having different expectations and needs. Each partner brings unique perspectives and desires into a relationship. When these expectations aren't communicated clearly or don't align, tension arises. To overcome this, open and honest communication is vital. Taking the time to understand each other's needs and finding common ground helps build a foundation of mutual respect.

The biggest predictor of successful relationships is how partners work together when expectations aren’t met. It is important to remember that the connection between the partners is the goal. This requires both partners be aware of these common traps and be committed to lovingly working together to notice them and reset when things get hard.

Signs of a Power Struggle

Walking on Eggshells:

Feeling like you are walking on eggshells is a common sign of a power struggle. It causes tension and stress and doesn’t allow partners to work together to solve the problem.

Competing:

When it feels like you are competing rather than working together this is a sign of a power struggle. Airing grievances and talking about who has been hurt the most is a race to the bottom and the surest way to continue the conflict and deepen the power struggle.

The Blame Game:

It’s your fault! You did this to me! You made me feel this way.

When we blame our partner for our needs, it sets them up for defensiveness and widens the gap and conflict between you. This gap will never close without intentional practice. Instead, take responsibility for your own emotions. I am feeling sad because I have been hurt in the past. It’s not your partner’s fault, the emotion lies within you and your past experiences. Blaming them will only push them away and increase your pain. Instead, spend some time thinking about what you need from your partner to feel connected to them and ask for that.

Lack of Compromise:

If one partner refuses to compromise and turn to the other partner with compassion after a conflict, this is a sign of a power struggle. Take some time to come down from the heightened emotion and reflect on what you both need from the partner going forward.

Airing Past Grievances:

We cannot control the past; we can only control the present moment. Repeatedly talking about things that happened in the past can cause a power struggle. If you are caught in this cycle, going to a couples counseling might be a good idea. The key to working together in a relationship is having both partners on board feeling hopeful that they can work through the situation. If past grievances are aired frequently, this causes shame and hopelessness for the accused partner and reopens the wound for the hurt partner. For the accused partner, this will cause them to shutdown emotionally or get defensive. For the wounded partner, this will cause them to fight harder and get louder or pull away. Both partners are not able to work through the situation because they are not in calm and loving state where they can connect. If couples counseling isn’t in the cards, going to individual therapy will be helpful. Often it is not our partner’s actions alone that caused the hurt, but several wounds throughout our lives that have opened. Understanding what they are can be really empowering. Often the pain from past trauma is so strong that we cannot see beyond the present moment. And we attribute past pain to the present moment. It’s important to pause and recognize there may be something deeper going on that the body is responding to. The body keeps the score and remembers past pain, if you are feeling like the past is impacting the present moment this is something that is important to work through so you can feel connected to the relationship.

Tips to Avoid Power Struggles

Regular Check Ins:

Schedule regular check-ins to discuss expectations, concerns, and goals. This helps in keeping both partners on the same page and prevents misunderstandings from escalating.

Connect Often:

What are ways you can show your partner you care? What are ways they can show you they care? Leave signs of connection for each other to keep your relationship gas tank full. Often when our levels of connection are low, we start having power struggles. Focus on filling each other’s tank up to prevent power struggles.

Define Roles Clearly:

Clearly define and discuss each partner's responsibilities and roles in the relationship. Having a mutual understanding of who does what can prevent conflicts over perceived imbalances. Make sure both partners have equal input.

Active Listening:

Practice active listening when your partner is expressing their thoughts or feelings. This fosters a sense of being heard and understood, reducing the likelihood of power struggles based on feeling ignored. Active listening means listening to what they are saying and trying to make sense of what they mean. Listen for the feelings they are expressing, make eye contact and give them your full attention. Check in after they are done speaking and ask a question or comment on a part of what they said to ask for clarification to check that you understood correctly.

Pick a Code Word:

Practice not having important discussions when emotions are high. Give each other permission to use a code word to take a break when emotions are getting high. Something you both agree one. Then, come back and reset when you are both in a calmer headspace.

Start Small

Start with the low hanging fruit. What is something that causes a small amount of distress in the relationship. Work through that together to help practice and build confidence you can work together before you tackle the harder issues.

Seek Compromise Early

When conflicts arise, aim for compromise early on. Finding middle ground shows a willingness to work together and can prevent power struggles from escalating.

Encourage Independence:

Allow space for each partner to pursue individual interests and maintain personal autonomy. This helps prevent feelings of control, reducing the likelihood of power struggles.

Trust plays a pivotal role in power dynamics. A lack of trust can lead to attempts to control or manipulate situations, intensifying power struggles. Building trust involves transparency, reliability, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Cultivating trust allows both partners to feel secure, reducing the urge to exert power for self-protection.

Self-awareness is a powerful tool in mitigating power struggles. Understanding one's own triggers and insecurities enables individuals to approach conflicts with a level head. Additionally, it fosters empathy, allowing partners to comprehend each other's perspectives and motivations. This self-awareness promotes a collaborative approach to problem-solving.

Compromise is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. Power struggles often arise when individuals refuse to give ground. Learning the art of compromise involves finding middle ground and understanding that concessions are not a sign of weakness but a commitment to the relationship.

Lastly, fostering a culture of appreciation and validation helps dissolve power struggles. Regularly expressing gratitude and acknowledging each other's strengths can counterbalance feelings of inadequacy or superiority. Celebrating achievements and supporting each other's growth creates an environment where both partners feel valued and empowered. 

In conclusion, power struggles are a natural part of any relationship, but they need not be detrimental. By cultivating effective communication, mutual trust, self-awareness, compromise, and appreciation, couples can transform power struggles into opportunities for growth and connection. It's through these challenges that relationships can deepen, becoming resilient and fulfilling partnerships.