How to Set Boundaries Yourself
Putting boundaries in place and sticking to them will help you feel more comfortable in your own skin and reduce stress in your life. Setting boundaries can benefit your health, your relationships, and even your anxiety levels. To help you get started with setting boundaries for yourself, read on to learn about steps to communicate boundaries to others. It is important to practice setting boundaries in relationships that are safe. You need to get some successful boundary-setting situations under your belt to help you feel more confident.
Recognize What You Need
Setting boundaries means being honest with yourself about what you need in the long run—spending some time thinking about what you want if it would come easy to you. Think about your goals, think about how things could be different, how much better they’d be, and what you could achieve if you knew that your needs were met. How would your life and relationship change if you could set the boundary? Your needs are important too!
Identify What Feelings You Are Experiencing
You can start by asking yourself: What am I feeling right now? This will help you pinpoint your feelings and begin identifying them in real-time. It takes practice, but with some attention and focus, you’ll be able to identify your emotions fairly quickly. What feeling comes up for you when you think about the boundary you want to set? Knowing what you are feeling can help you communicate what you need to the other person without blaming them and taking ownership of your feelings.
Practice Getting Comfortable Setting Boundaries
If setting boundaries is new to you, you might want to put in some practice beforehand. Reflect on the feeling you are experiencing and what is causing it. Remember, it is not the other’s person behavior we are focusing on but how the situation, in general, makes you feel—practice stating the feeling and how the situation impacts you and what you want in the future.
For example, I feel anxious when the house is left unlocked. In the future, could you double-check it’s locked before you leave? As you gain confidence in your boundary-setting abilities, you can communicate your request more directly.
Create Some Space
If you are not feeling comfortable setting a boundary in the moment, create some space for yourself by communicating your need for more time to consider your options and plan ahead. Here are some good options to buy yourself some time and not get stuck into making a decision right away.
Let me think about that.
Can I call you back?
Now is not a good time.
I’m finishing up working on a different project, let me get back to you.
Can we sit down to discuss it.
Let’s put a meeting on the calendar
How about we talk about it when we both have some free time.
Can we talk tonight when the kids are in bed?
Ways to Say No Without Saying No
Sometimes, just saying no is the best route when someone asks a question, but here is another option for those who are uncomfortable saying no upfront. Being assertive and saying what you need might feel uncomfortable upfront but over time it can get easier. Here are some ideas to get you started saying no, without saying the word no.
I am unable to commit to that right now.
That doesn’t sound like a good fit to me.
I am working on something else right now.
I wish I had the time to commit to that.
That doesn’t fit my goals.
I need some me time.
I’d rather not.
I need a break.
Let’s find a way to work together so we both get what we want.
I hope you find someone who is a good fit.
I will do the dishes if you do the laundry.
Actually, I need some help with this __________.
I need to get to the grocery store today.
Stand Firm
For example, if someone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, politely say no; don’t make up an excuse why or feel guilty about saying no—state your boundaries and stick by them. This might be hard at first if you aren’t used to setting and sticking by limitations; however, practicing now will help you gain confidence when it comes time to set other boundaries down the road. You have the power to make choices for your life. When we empower ourselves to make our own decisions and stand by our boundaries, we meet our own needs and help reduce our anxiety in the long run.
Setting boundaries can be difficult. Check-in with yourself along the way and pay attention to your progress. Over time, you will become more sure of yourself and feel less of a need to justify setting a boundary. Sometimes it can be difficult for people in our lives to adjust to boundaries. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth setting boundaries or that they will not work. It means that there was a reason for a boundary to be set in the first place.
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